...please be merciful and come quickly. You'll bring this country, globe, and myself one step closer to moving on with it's life. I am so very, very sick of hearing about the presidential election. I could possibly go on a statewide killing spree if I'm forwarded one more cheeky flash animation of our *shiver* president or his opponent making something really funny happen, or dancing to some stupid jig, or slandering the other person in a very cool, sophisticated, unflinching way. (Though the photo of Dick Cheney's evil, under-biting grimace is still somewhat entertaining.)
I'm sure, almost beyond a shadow of a doubt that the presidential election will not end next Tuesday. I'm very sure there will be a lawsuit or some screw up that will allow the current losing side to scream and rant about in a last ditch effort to bring their favorite to the head of political power for the next four years. Don't get me wrong, I very much want to believe in this process that well call democracy, I very much want to best person for the job...but somewhere along the way...this whole thing has all gone very wrong. No one's talking about issues anymore, everything is, as much it can possibly be, a very calculated duck-hunting, children’s-book-reading, baby-kissing, factory-line-worker-handshaking photo op.
I had a moment of clarity last night. I was riding around with my brother, in his pick up truck, drinking beer from a can, listening to country music, and I asked him his opinion of the election. (I'm into the whole slice of life thing; I think it's good fun to step outside your own skin.) Now, he's a republican with a "W for President Sticker" on his truck, and I'm a pretty vile Bush objector, but I'm sort of always interested in what people’s opinions are. His response was the following, "I'm pretty sure the Democrats will probably win. Hell, even if Bush did take it, the Dem’s are set with lawsuits in each one of the swing states to push things in their favor, and the Republicans have a little more class then that, so I just figure we're screwed no matter what." That's when it hit me. I had someone in San Francisco just last week tell me the same story with the roles reversed. Neither person believed anything less than the truth of what they spoke, and in the end they both were partially right (I think about the lawyers being prepared to battle, neither party has much class in my opinion at this point.)
Just two weeks ago I was in Poland where two of the three news channels on the TV coddled me through my jet-lagged existence were in English. Besides one snafu with Beckham and a yellow card, I swear to you I heard NOTHING but news of which US presidential candidate picked his nose, which state he picked it in, and how close of a swing state it was. Every time they referenced the election, some boob would come on and declare that this was "possibly the most important election this century". It's sort of like the Super Bowl people have been contacted to cover this year's election....I'm seriously waiting for fucking Hank Williams, some supernatural colliding lightning-ridden helmets, and a row of scantily clad bimbos with pom-poms to appear at any moment.
Now with all that ranting, please don't mistake the point of me writing this. I do think this is an important election. I guess this is why I think I'm so alarmed. No one's *really* talking about any issues!!!! Here's the reality. The war in Iraq will be completed, I'm not saying it's not important, but I bet, somehow, the media and troops are home in the next year at the most (I think Iraq will still be screwed and a shell of it’s former self, but I still think the troops will be home). As for 9/11 & Terrorism in general; I think it's pretty understood that the world we live in is a different one now, we will have to make provisions and the current way we handle things is a decent start, a little bumbling, heavy handed and fear mongering, but the intent is to make the country a safer place. My questions about the real issues have to do with the sky rocketing deficit, the huge elephant called “social security” shitting in the middle of the room, and the fact that American is quickly losing it's status as a super power nation (at least by many reports)….these are just three issues from someone who doesn’t even really consider himself political.
Why am I writing this...well, here's the deal; I really tried to write about anything but the election today (or ever). I am, however so fed up with the fact that we the people aren't holding these assholes feet to the fire to get any actual answers about what they intend to do in the next four years, this whole election has become a contest of character of two men. I think it’s really sad that our future hangs in the balance of such a highly subjective subject. Is this the way elections always are? Well sort of, but with the advent of such quick information and the power of the Internet, I was hoping things would be a little different this time around. I'm sad to say that I think all that the Internet's done for this election is put “the spin” on steroids. There's a different perfectly packaged character assault for every niche, and the individual campaign’s aren't responsible for all of them…most of them are cooked up by quirky little flash animators are helping nothing, yet they benefit from the free promotion and hocking DVD's along the way...how American of them. (And I'm one of the first person to laugh at things, and I'm all for humor, but I sorta feel like it's replaced the discussion any issues at all.)
I wonder if I'm alone in feeling this way...I mean most of the rest of the country is just trying to get behind their hours in this photo-finishing race, which is understandable giving the ramifications, but does anyone else see this, or am I alone...
That being said...please, please, please go vote Nov 2nd, you've endured too much of this to not have a voice.
Jeffrodamus predicts: The moon will turn blood red tonight. About 7:30pm, Pacific, to be exact. It's an omen of a most lascivious nature.
Lock up your daughters and give me the key.
Coincidentally, I am returning to SF tonight. For almost the next week I can be found either in a large blue Bus on the corner of 3rd and Howard or in a little place I like to call Zeitgeist where I'll be DJing my favorite Neil Young and Wilco songs live from the world's greatest jukebox. Join me and I'll buy ya a drink.
Ate at a place called Millie's in Orange County, CA tonight. Got the veggieburger. The 'chef' put mayonaise on it. Mayonaise! Why would anyone do such a thing to a perfectly edible sandwich? The atrocity sparked this conversation:
ME: Why? Why does anyone use mayonaise? Why does mayonoise even exist?
DELUSIONAL PERSON: Some people like it. It's a condiment.
ME: Mustard is a condiment. Mayonaise is a lubricant.
And so it came to me: Mayonaise was invented because toast is too dry.
But the interesting thing is that this ordinary conversation struck a spark in a long since shuttered room in my mind. And, suddenly, it became clear to me why it is that I detest mayonaise.
When I was a child my family was poor. Very poor. I'm not going to get into it here, but suffice to say I was the only kid at my school who brought homemade roadkill puppets to show-and-tell and finished the presentation in the cafeteria at lunchtime.
Ma and Pa wanted us to feel normal, so they would scrimp and save every penny they could until we could all afford to go out to eat some place fancy. At the Dairy Queen we got to share a hot dog and fries, but you know there just wasn't ever enough money for dessert. So Ma would empty out mayo packet after mayo packet until a whole cup was full, then stick a straw in it and say, "Mmmm, enjoy the milkshake, kids!" Man oh man did we ever fight over that cup! Sis got to be so awful good at wrestling that straw away from us and sucking down half the mayo before we could even get a taste that in hindsight I think those formative experiences might have had an impact on her teenage years. But then again, she always was such a social, giving girl.
As for me, I hope to never see mayonaise again.
aiiight...stateside...rested...feelin fine.....let's do the damn thing
So, one of the things I realized over the years is that people over the age of 13 or so that have a deep interest in dolls sorta freak me out. I know how everybody has their collectibles, someway to while away their hours, but just like some people get freaked out about clowns; I'm kind of the same way about dolls. In my college days when I was a news photog, one of the assignments I had was to photograph this lady who collects old ceramic dolls head. So, on the day of her shoot, I go to her house, fine enough, a little excessive on the dolls-laying-around the-house-tip, but that's her thing...So she takes me to "the showroom". We enter the showroom and it's a little dark as she fumbles for the light. She finds it and hits the switch, suddenly, I'm surrounded by abougt 2-300 bliss-ed our doll faces, complete with those marbles eyes that roll back in the head when you tilt the head, each mounted on a display stand, all eyes toward the doorway...creepy to say the least. Long story short, I took pictures, bailed out, end of story.
Anyway, so you know when you're just screwing around on the internet and you click some random link and all of a sudden you end up in a completely different neighborhood of the freak-mosphere? Well, that was me today. There I was trolling live journals, just sort of screwing around looking and dumb teeny hacker jokes and all of a sudden I learned a whole new acronym...BJD. BJD stands for "ball jointed dolls." These dolls are much different creatures that the ceramic ones of old. These dolls have many more moving parts and sort of look like animae figures. So every niche has an enthusiasts....and these ppl are willing to take it to completely different place.....yup, you guessed it, doll pr0n. These people take their dolls to the park to photograph them. They refer to them as family members....hey you gotta do your thing, but I definitely took a wrong turn at albaqirky...
I clicked around a little bit more and ended up on this realy stylish site detailing how to modify and repair dolls, patterns for clothes, etc...
...so it's sorta like guys who like to work on cars I guess...*sorta*...i dunno the whole sitting-home-"working"-on-my-dolls thing sorta creeps me out...to each thier own niche market I guess.
So I recieved a spam entitled "Remove your bills the Christian way"...
It was sent by "Christian Bill Removers" and it came complete with an ethereal graphic of a man holding a woman around her waste with calming assurance of financial well-being panted in 20 point Arial font. The Arial font being so non-threatening and all. But this wasn't really the odd part....the odd part was the text passage below the graphic....
it read as follows:
You will attract a potential partner. Play your cards right. Play it safe when you deal with business or personal partnerships. Clarity is a fleeting thing Later on you can decide whether this is the beginning of a permanent change.
Love and romance will be enhanced. A clever replica can fool most people -- it takes a trained eye to see the fine details that may be lacking. Your creative talent must be implemented in your work if you want to reach a higher level. You are more articulate now than ever before.
Your mind will be made up today. Your creativity is endless. You are in a very industrious and creative cycle that will bring you profits and satisfaction. Consider these consequences carefully.
Issues with family and friends will be hard to resolve. Your support and suggestions will lead to respect from others. Expect to either impress someone or to be very impressed by someone. Your support and suggestions will lead to respect from others. Your mind will be made up today.
...who knew Debt Removal was so morally, socially and emotionally complicated. If it was on an Led Zeppelin album (preferably IV)I would feel like I might need to play it backwards...
Why is it that things that at 1st glance seem so wholesome and pure often turn out to hide layers of insidious deception poised to make a caustic onion weep at the auspice of its own basal folds?
Hey, now, I'm not talking about you. Obviously you're as sweet and innocent as the pies grandma used to set on the sill to cool on those calm autumn afternoons. The pies with the file and the shiv baked deep in the blackberry filling. Before the last warmth of the juicy center weeped into the surrounding air, Na-Na would send JoJo down to the Yard with the trojan dessert wrapped in foil, my name printed in bold block letters on the bottom of the pan. The warden would invariably say, "MMM, MMM, those pies smell good enough to set the soul free." He was sniffing closer to the truth than he would ever know.
This post is a great and wholly appropriate opportunity to introduce you to two of my favorite people. A cuter context for a prop-gag there shall never be.
 This is my beautiful god-daughter Sophia Grace, throwing down the love from Topeka, KS to all the down-peoples of Earth. |
 And this is her beautiful sister Arabella. She uses words like 'existential' in everyday conversation and is probably going to be a spider for Halloween. |
 This is the Bubble Bong for Kids we found at a gas station in Austin, TX. Finally, training-wheels for stoner-babies. "Age 4 & Up". |
Now I don't smoke myself so needless to say it was a bit disconcerting to find that a #1 ranked toy company would produce an item of such maligned taste. What kind of an example is this setting? Do you think that girl on the packaging is going to make it to college? No. She's on the fast-track to a melodramatic appearance on the Montel Williams show.
I'm not a biological parent, true, but I am a god-parent and that's a role I take seriously. I simply will not tolerate my god-daughter taking pulls off a toddler-sized water-bong. There is no reason for her to be exposed to that kind of device nor for her to become acquainted with the techniques of pot-smoking.
At least until her fingers have enough fine motor control to roll a decent joint.
If you haven't seen Jon Stewart trade barbs with the boobs on Crossfire, it's hosted here. (Not the newest news, it happened friday, but I'm outta the country)
I think this guy may be my new hero. When I was searching out the clip, someone used the phrase "jaw-dropping"...I'd say that's pretty accurate. Enjoy.
Crackhead humor is sure to make me laugh to tears, everytime...
From an old issue of Time magazine:
1.000 = Mathematical value of perfect flatness.
.957 = Flatness of a pancake
.9997 = Flatness of Kansas, as published in a recent scientific study proving that the state is indeed flatter than a pancake.
also in Time that week:
"It looks like the people of San Francisco are an endangered species. That's probably good news for the country. Did I just say that out loud?" -- Jeb Bush, Florida Governor, while looking at a map showing the prevalence of wildlife in California, during a state cabinet meeting.
Red Bull Breakin comp...reffed by Rahzel...sounds are by Roni Size (the first track @ least)
...to Christopher Porter.
A couple of weeks ago I had no idea who Doctor Lonnie Smith (aka "the Turbinator") was....such a dope nickname. Porter posted a bit complete with mp3's up on The Suburbs are Killing Us (his blog) a couple of weeks ago about Doc Smith and it is some of the smoothest shit I've heard in a very, very long time. I love the tracks so much, I'm reposting the MP3's since T.S.A.K.U. only hosts files for a couple of days. This man knows his music, I suggest you peruse the sight, ALOT. Also check out this bit he wrote about the Turbinator.
I now know that one of the first things I'm doing when I get home is heading to Virgin to pick up Too Damn Hot...I'm so stoked!
Dr.LonnieSmith-TooDamnHot
Dr.LonnieSmith-BackTrack
...like Tony Royster Jr. runs tings...an eight minute drum solo that supasses this fast-as-I-can-go-flim-flam....and to that I say, FLAZZUM!, but I digress...
...this kid has some durrty grooves...this kid's got insane game on the skins...this kid
...I posted this for Tung, b/c that guy LOVES to go off to a good drum solo, trust me....& thnkx to Ric for the link
...from my childhood memories:
1. Dusty Rhodes the American Dream
2. Kamala the Ugandan Giant
3. The Nature Boy Rick Flair
4. CoCo Be Ware
5 The Dingo Warrior
Badness!! Use this app to mount your Gmail account like an external drive. All the items are saved as an email (so they're accessible via the web GUI).....getting all those mp3's you rip off at work moved to your home computer doesn't seem like such a chore anymore.
Of all the oddities that surface on the web, it's interesting which items people completely get into. Case and point, I've had quite a few conversations with different people regarding the Carl Lewis Video feature. I didn't really think much of it, but there are several individuals who have been in deep thought on the subject. It's safe to say that the fascination with the aforementioned musical masterpiece can be felt from here to Turkmenistan, if not Tajikistan. In an effort to plunge deeper into this phenomenon, the one and only Jazbek has cut the bullshit and filed this inquiry directly with the source, at carllewis.com...hilarity to ensue
From: Jazbek
To: carl@carllewis.com
Subject: The Music Video on your Website
Dear Mr. Lewis,
I have just discovered your website, and having taken the pleasure of
watching several clips in your impressive video library, I thought I'd
write to you about the one and only music video you had listed there,
located at http://www.carllewis.com/video.music.1.html.
First of all, let me say that I think that the directing and effects are
outstanding. Judging by the haircuts in the video, I'd say that it was
made a good number of years ago, and therefore I can say that it was
clearly ahead of its time. I am surprised that I never heard the song
before. The lyrics to the music are inspiring, I think it has a
wonderful message overall: try hard to make a human change...don't break
it up. Wonderful. There is one aspect of the video, however, that I am
not sure has the best message for your audience. I was left feeling
somewhat confused...
The first couple minutes of the video seem completely normal -- you
working out, clips of you competing, girls surrounding you. The first
sign of things being a little bit off was when you pulled on those
weights and bubbles came flying towards your face. My first thought was,
"was that supposed to signify that he just farted?" I was unsure. I kept
watching, and soon learned where the bubbles came from.
You introduce us to the old fat goofy lady near the very end of the
video. She is blowing bubbles at you. She is playing and lounging in the
hottub while you are there with some hot girls. She is wearing giant
sunglasses. The next thing I know, she is following you smugly into the
sauna. She places a "Do not disturb" sign on the door. It closes behind
you. You are alone in the sauna doing God-knows-what with an old fat
white lady who likes to wear wacky sunglasses. This is the end of the
video. I am... puzzled? shocked?
Now, I'm not one to question the artistic license of great artists, but
this was just one of those things that hurt my brain so much, I just
could not let it go without asking. Why is this woman in your video? Why
is she acting so goofy? Why did you go into the hot tub and sauna with
her? What is the message...and what does it mean?? I am dead serious.
Please respond. I am dying for an explanation.
Respectfully Yours,
Jazbek
Technological epiphanies are such a rare guilty pleasure. I mean, they used to come all the time. In the past, 7-8 years everything’s just evolved so much it doesn’t happen as often…We exchange email addresses more than phone numbers, I chat more with my friends online that I sometimes speak with them in person (which is really a shame), and to just be as San Franciscan as possible, I usually take part in a renegade party each Halloween, and one of the participants actually proposed using a wiki to help plan this year’s event...raver-techno-practicality…gotta love it. Very, very few things, at least in my life, operate the same way they did a few years ago. I buy all my records online, I use an online calendar….gay but true, I even buy my underwear online…I mean, I know what I want and I just don’t wanna be bothered with it, I hate going to Target and wading through masses of people, and I certainly don’t want to spend my weekend doing it.
Anyway, back to the point, such conveniences, when they come at the appropriate time, can be some of the most sinful pleasures...just like you need it, just like you want it (not like online porn, useful stuff...wait...nevermind, you get the idea.) When things work and you really need then, not only are you extremely thankful, but also you’re infinitely excited about finding the next dorky gadget that could actually make your life a ‘lil easier…at least I do, being the convenience whore that I am.
So I’m on this brief working stint out of the country in Europe. And if you’ve even been in Europe and needed to call someone, you know what a pain it can be. The scenario usually pits you (loaded with a healthy dose of jetlag) against a guidebook to find a place to buy a phone card to use the guide book (again) to figure out how to dial out from that specific country…while you’re getting operator messages in another languaue (Polish being on of the more difficult ones to draw any similarities on)…I dunno maybe I’m being a major baby about the whole thing, but the European phone experience has never been good for me (and I’ve been doing it on an off for like 10+ years...I just don’t get it). Anyway, compound the fact that the reason you’re using the phone in the first place is not to call a loved one, but instead, trying to call in to some god forsaken conference call for work..the whole thing just takes it to a whole 'nother level of hell.
So there I was, fresh off a plane from the states, trapped in the bowels of this corporate business park in the suburbs of Poland, trying to figure out how to dial into this conference call I was supposed to be on 5 minutes ago...which really either sounds like the beginning of a horrid joke or a nightmare, not sure...anyway, all of a sudden, one of the guys I’m working with asked me if I used Skype...that comment hit me like a load of bricks.
So, a brief detour, skype is a VOIP software, that lets you use your computer as a phone. It’s definitely not the first, but it’s supposedly one of the first really usable versions in a long line of predecessors. I always knew about VOIP apps, but they’re sort of fraught with tales of shoddy quality and best saved for people who are broke but still need to dial friends on the other side of the world. Apps like Skype allow you to either converse with anothe Skype user for free, or call an actual phone number for a really reduced rates. (You'll see it installed in a lot of internet cafes b/c people use it to call family on other continents, etc.) Ironically, most of those really weird, cheap calling cards that give you such great rates when you need to talk to your cousins in Namibia actually use a similar software, Skype's just managed to really up to quality. I’ve never really had much use for this type of software before b/c, well, basically I can call anywhere in the US on my cell for the same rate I call across town, As for international calls, chat and email usually suffices so I've just never bothered.
Anyway, so I download and sign up for this software and within literally 5 minutes, I’m on a conference call on my computer and it was possibly on of the easier things I’ve ever done. You have to prepay (in euros), and it works out to about 2 cents/minutes to basically anywhere in the world….beat that deal. So that was my moment of Zen, my moment of technological bliss…just working, like it’s supposed to, to make the world a better place to live. It wasn’t even a factor of trying to save money or make things cheaper, it was just easier…so if you ever need to talk to someone halfway around the world…or you just don’t want to deal with long distance, etc, you should check into it. Oh, I didn’t mention it before, but you probably have to have a DSL or better connection to get any worthwhile results.
...and he's ready to trash your monday morning productivity....and if that doesn't take care of business, there's always the mini golf game or the stick figure fighting game.
(Thnx Freddy...now pls go back to work lest they sack your ass.)
There is no photoshop doctoring here. We took this picture ourselves, just outside Ithaca, NY. Residents of the area were surprisingly oblivious to the briliance we found quite obvious. We're sending this pic in to the Tonight Show along with the "Bubble Bong for Kids" we found at a gas station in Austin. (to be posted soon)
I understand that sometimes people with minor celebrity feel as if they should branch out and explore various opportunities that accompany their fame. I understand that sometimes these opportunities don't always pan out. Eddie Murphy had the "Party All the Time" thing...didn't go so swell. I understand sometimes it's hard to see through the fog of all your lapdog-yes-men followers....but this gayloard business is fairly inexcusible... (Via Yap)
Addendum: L.Hobbs just pointed out that Carl is also a big, big fan of the National Anthem...
Back in the day, a party was a party. People knew about a house party because they were supposed to know about it. You invited people by telling them in person or calling them. They came because they wanted to and calibrated their expectations of dopeness on nothing more than the name of the host.
We don't live in that age anymore. We now find out about parties through various technological means, means that have superceded phone calls. Email came on the scene and people spread the word about parties through emails. Hey, it's efficient -- a different path to the same party summit. If telephone invites were the golden age of invites, email was the bronze age -- not as good as gold, but you're still on the podium during the closing ceremonies. Evite, the newest evolution of party invites, has ushered in a new age: the plastic age.
We pay for our drinks with plastic, we buy $2.59 of groceries with plastic, and many of us now invite people to our parties through this superficial, flim-flam plastic medium known as Evite. Ok, let's stop here for a moment: Evite has it's place. I meet every week with a regular group of guys to play basketball. Evite helps us determine if we have enough players on a given Monday to play full-court (we need 8 or more). Evite serves certain purposes well. But so does Saran Wrap. In terms of wrapping your meat, Saran Wrap kicks ass -- but would you think of using it as a contraceptive device? That's right, inviting people to your house party with an Evite is like having sex with a Saran Wrap condom -- it might do the job, but there are no guarantees.
If someone has to base their decision to go to a party on who and how many people respond to an Evite, the party doesn't have enough going for it. Rok is having a house party -- that's all you need to know. You know there will be good booze, good music, good folks, a host that will give that motherfucker Ricardo Montalban from Fantasy Island a run for his money, and best of all, whatever happens, stays here. You should know what to expect from a party by who is throwing it. You don't need some polling numbers to know if good times is going to win in a landslide.
Sending out an Evite for your house party, more often than not, is a sign of insecurity. On the one hand, the host is insecure about who and how many will show; on the other hand, the guests are insecure about whether it's worth showing up. I'm not trying to argue that a house party organized through Evite is never off the hook -- they sometimes are. But using Evite as a barometer of how good a party will be is a sign that you don't know your host well enough and that your host doesn't know his or her friends well enough and that the only thing keeping you from an unwanted pregnancy is an unopened box of Saran Wrap that reads "Break in case of emergency."
One unintended side effect of Evite is the evolution of Evite humor. Everyone thinks they're a comedian in their responses. Everyone thinks they're funny. Thinks.
...this web site is infinitely entertaining.
My man Chip (who, BTW, was just happily married this weekend and is coolin in Fuji ATM)...anyway Chip said it best...we @ ComeCorrect strive to bring you "quality drivel"... (beat that for a compliment).
...Sit on a conference call and not surf the web?? ...hell naw.
Thank you for winning the election; you’ve taken the country out of the hands of a truly dangerous regime and we have no limits of appreciation to you for that. We know what really goes on behind the closed doors of government. We ask you this: No matter what powerful influences you ultimately base your decisions on, no matter who’s interests the policies you choose are intended to benefit, please just take one quiet moment to consider the interests of the American people. We don’t expect you to eradicate business-as-usual from the political system; we know that there is a powerful thread woven into the fabric of the American government that is out of our reach. We simply ask that you do us the subtle courtesy of momentarily reflecting upon what it is that we the people would wish for before you proceed to appease the desires of those whose favor you are bound to. That moment is all we will ask you for.
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Enter Stage Left |
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Obligatory Frank Chu Sighting |
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Stage Right |
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Autobahn Society |
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Boogie Down Productions @ the Space Cowboys' Unimog |
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Many, many, many more pictures.
(All photos © ComeCorrect.net)
Nigerian role play, complete with grammer errors - via BoingBoing
On a clear Saturday afternoon that was just warm enough, San Francisco's first annual 