This little jewel of a website has every address I've had since 10th grade....jeebus
Cockeyed.com, at it again...this time targeting TGIF's Atkins menu
Electronic music is an interesting beast. The genre has existed almost as a cottage industry since it's inception mostly comprised of odd mad-scientists making music with computers (sequencers, pc's et al.), each looking to produce the perfect combination of bleeps and blurps. The people behind the beats have both benefited and suffered from the anonymity provided to them by eschewing major record labels. Artists are free to change identities and genres over night, sample anything imaginable and twist knobs on small boxes to produce seismographic beats to provide the latest symphony for everything from your latest car commercial to tonight’s drug-fueled rampage. Hundreds of producers toil away their hours crafting pieces that will have an extremely short life span....some of rotation of the biggest electronica averages 1-2 yr life span to the normal listener. Comparing that lifespan with the amount of rotations given to other genres, even hip-hop, which would arguably be the older brother to electronica; the life span to date weighs in at about 10% of the competition at best. The pioneers of this genre have, for the most part, gone one to enjoy little fame and riches, but that probably wasn't why they got in the game in the first place.
Each genre has their icons; from Norman Cook (i.e.Fat Boy Slim) to Goldie to the Chemical Brothers and a sea of others electronica is no different. All of which who have done their time and enjoyed minimal to major success over the evolution of the music. For every icon in the electronic genre there are a handful of geniuses and large amount of hacks. (Probably also contributing to the music’s short lifespan.) Paul Sanders is one of those geniuses. Normally known as the Wax Doctor, this man, when most people were filing through Sub Pop catalogs looking for the next big grungy thing in 1994, was producing some of the most impressive electronica of the time. Even compared to similar styled music ten years its junior, it stands up as brilliance in form, production, and feeling.
The Wax Doctor is a heavy influence on the jazzy/intelligent drum and bass tip. His was a unique blend of interesting samples and sounds with beats and grooves that had teeth. Many have tried to imitate his works; few have done so very successfully. Even during the peak of his career to most he existed largely shrouded in the buzz residing at that time around the genre and his works buried in mixes at clubs and raves of the UK countryside. To the industry insiders, he was a 23 year old kid who was producing some of the biggest beats on the biggest labels...you can fin his full discography here.
The Wax Doctor's work now trades mostly on eBay these days. He seems to have vanished from electronica and the web took off about 3 years too late to preserve his existence. He had a CD called "Selected Works 94-96" that was pressed by a British record company (R&S) but has been out of print since 96, and R&S records, to my knowledge, no longer exists. (They have a website, but it hasn’t had an update in 8 years.) The CD contains most of his more memorable tracks. (I have a scant few other on records so if you're really into these tracks, drop me an email.) Ok...music below, standard drill, it won't stay up forever so grab it now, hope you enjoy
1. Atmospheric Funk
2. All I Need
3. The Step
4. The Spectrum
5. Finer Things
6. Kid Caprice (Remix)
7. Heat
8. Offshore Drift
Conversation can be exploration or distraction. But usually it’s distraction.
I am a man of deep inner-peace. An unshakeable calm emanates from my heart chakra to my outer aura. But if I were the type to be rattled from my mantra, this might start the fall:
I dislike the misuse of the word ‘literally’. eg: on a plane one time I overheard two businessmen discussing their sales in various parts of the country and one said, “I can never make sales in Salt Lake City; it’s literally a desert there.” I felt like saying, “So what’s the prob, you hate getting sand in your shoes as you walk dune to dune selling lightweight vacuum cleaners to bedouins?”
In a recent conversation I was shocked to discover that you can always use the word ‘inept’ when describing yourself because even when you’re using the word incorrectly, it’s accurate.
Some writer (Mark Twain?) once said, “Always use the word ‘goddamn’ in place of the word ‘very’ when writing a story. Your editor will go through and delete the word every place it occurs and you will have much better writing as a result.” Let’s all apply that rule to ‘literally’ too, shall we? Now that’s a goddamn good idea.
The infamous Dax Smooth sent me an email weighing with an article about one of the odder ring tones to appear for cell phones...this one's supposed to make your breasts grow...so naturally, it sounds like heavy metal guitar...
So I guess all that's left now to do it answer the age old question...which came first; the over-chested groupie...or the heavy metal rock god...
Note: In this set of filmic ruminations, I have decided to stop my practice of distinguishing actors from the roles they play. Who remembers characters' names anyways?
* Mr. 3000
Synopsis: Bernie Mac goes back to the Majors to reclaim a batting record that was taken from him by statisticians.
Review: I like Bernie Mac. I think he's funny. But for one hour and fifty minutes I found myself rooting for a time machine that would have allowed me to watch a different movie. Rating: 2/10
* Sky Captain
Synopsis: Fighter pilot Jude Law attempts to save the world, despite having a pesky news reporter, Gweneth Paltrow, slowing him down.
Review: I probably would have enjoyed a Skyy vodka or Captain Morgan's cocktail a little more, but this movie went down pretty smooth. It didn't fuck me up as much as I would have liked, but I felt a little buzz. Rating: 6/10
* Collateral
Synopsis: Tom Cruise is a hit man who forces the very capable taxi driver Jamie Fox to drive him around LA.
Review: Taxi cab on Cruise control. Cruise on killing spree. Spree shooting threes and choking Carlisimo. Rating: 6.45/10
(I apologize for the obscure basketball reference. There is a less obscure one coming up.)
New on DVD:
* Thirteen
Synopsis: Young teenage girl wants to be in with the cool kids, particularly a certain Latina-looking one.
Review: Girls are growing up faster and faster. Pretty soon you'll have 13-year-old girls wearing Depends. Rating: 6.9/10
* Barbarian Invasions (French w/subtitles)
Synopsis: Old professor is on his deathbed as friends and family come around him to reminisce about the meaning of life.
Review: It's like Conan the Barbarian meets Invasion of the Bodysnatchers -- in terms of the title. In every other way, it's very unlike those movies. Rating: 7.7/10
* Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring (Korean w/subtitles)
Synopsis: Bhuddist master and pupil go through a life cycle.
Review: Quiet and contemplative like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar playing chess with his goggles on, all fogged up and shit in the cold morning air. Rating: 7.1/10
Throw out the pie charts, the bar graphs, and all percentages less than 100. I'm about to break down for you the demographics of San Francisco's population in a breathtakingly reckless, winner-take-all fashion. [Fact-checking support provided by CBS News.]
Percentage of people who are unemployed: 100%
SFMOMA workers: 100% Filipino
SFO workers: 100% Filipino
Percentage of males between 20 and 34 who are DJ's: 100%
Percentage of Hippie Hill hippies who cannot name more than 12 US presidents: 100%
Percentage of homeless Upper Haight street punks who own dogs with rabies: 100%
Percentage of Mission District burrito preparers who have never seen a movie starring Reese Witherspoon: 100% Percentage of ex-girlfriends that are technically crazy: 100%
Percentage of books being sold on the sidewalk that are never more interesting than when they are on fire: 100%
Percentage of colds caught by touching the "touch to open" bar on MUNI: 100%
Percentage of people who feel that they have had an orifice violated by U Haul, particulary the one that used to be on Valencia and McCoppin (the office, not the orifice): 100% Most disparaging non-racist remark: 100% "Marina"
RE: not posting about Burning Man...but I have two very good reasons.
a) Brad Templeton posted his panoramic pictures from the playa for '04. He's been doing it for 6-7 years...good stuff.
b) He and some friends nerded it up pretty hard and made a VOIP phone for the playa you could use to call anywhere in the world
....and that my friends is what the event is all about; you do it simply because you can.
RAND estimated what a home computer should look like in 2004...nutty innt? What's up with the steering wheel? Spy Hunter perhaps? (via Subvert Central)
There's a fine line between conspiracy theorists and reality. The web is a great place both because it gives the looneys a place to scream and shout about, well, whatever...and it also gives people with very rational and researched thought a place to explain themselves, and immediately link to supporting research to prove what they say...and on many sites, they have comments sections to create back and forth communication (and hold a lot of v1agra adds.) Anyway, 1115.org was one of my inspirations to start this site. Our goals are very different, I'm a little more on the screw off tip, but Matt and Jason work really hard (with the help of others) doing a lot of research before they make statements about their beliefs. It’s a really great place to go and cut through a lot of political double-speak to get facts so you can get a better understanding of what's going on. They spend alo of time picking up certain stories that are sort of leading indicator bits, rather tahn rallying around the OMG-WTF-happened-format of the general media. I can tell you, as I know Jason personally, that these guys are absolutely the farthest thing from a jingoists as they come. When these guys talk about something, they've earned my ear b/c I know they know their shit.
These guys have been doing a lot of work to get out the word of Peter Lance. It's not something they just picked up overnight; it's a cause they've been championing for over half-a-year...which in blog years makes them about 22 years old. This guy has a very different side to the 9/11 story. Trust me, I know how people cringe when the subject of 9/11 is brought up. It's fraught with heavy speculation, and it's an extremely beaten horse. However, Do yourself a favor and just check out their article on Peter Lance today...and if you're interested further, maybe pick up his book.
It is with no regret or intent of malice that I inform you that your position in the week has been downsized. After a brief discussion amongst your peers and the management here on Earth, it has come to our attention that you’re one lazy waste of fucking time.
You just don’t play well with others. Tuesday’s all chill. He’s not closing mad numbers but he’s a consistent contributor to the team. Wednesday….hump day….how could you not like HUMP day. Thursday’s like Friday’s best friend. Those guys are such a team. Where there’s one, there’s the other not far away. Then Saturday is just a damned good time. He’s flexible and he’s either ready to party if you are, or maybe he’s up for just cruising Home Depot and if there’s time, Bed, Bath & Beyond. He doesn’t even care if you have sex in the middle of the day. He’s just cool with whatever. Then Sunday is just the chillinest of them all. He’s just there to mellow out your week and ease into the evening. Monday…you’re just a piece of shit. Why can’t you be more like….well shit, anything else?
My apologies to womyn everywhere for genderizing the days of the week as men. I think we could agree, however, that for as much as they suck, Monday’s must be men.
Let it never be said I'm a bleeding-edge cat, especially in the area of hip hop. I actually know so little about hip hop, I usually get turned off by the big ballin MCs, I like the Ca$h Money and Too $hort types more b/c they're just ridiculous (...big bawlin is hobayyyy), and the psudo-intellectual artists like Tribe, Digable, etc have either had their time or lay buried deep in the streets of Oakland. (There’s a rumor in SF that there's ton's of conscious hip hop artists in Oakland, but they'd rather be set on fire before they'd let their rhymes cross the Bay Bridge.)
That being said, one of the things I do appreciate about hip hop are some of the beats these hot producers-of-the-moment churn out. There's some really hot talent behind some of these really simple beats....that lil bit of magic that’s the fine line between hot as hell and just sad. Last year, Jay Z dropped the Black album announcing Hova's retirement, brah, brah, brah. Anyway, shortly after the album dropped, the entire kit of samples used to put the album together surfaces on the web; kits, acapellas, samples, breaks...the works. Basically enough to completely remix the album. Danger Mouse made a lot of waves with his grey album, which, honestly, I was sorta into from an ingenuity perspective, but I give him more credit for having the rocks to sample the Beatles. (BTW, he's about the feel the heat from that, but it's arguable that it took his whole game to a new level, so it might have been worth it....better that the Verve sampling that Stones track and losing the profits for the song album and every related royalty for it...ouch).
So I'm trapped on BART this past Wednesday...yes trapped, the train was held during a "mandatory security check" in the middle of Castro Valley...and for those of you not from the area, Castro Valley isn't the same place as that fabulous gulch known for its fresh flowers and sensational antiques. Anyway, I'm surfing the old iPod and I come across this Jay Z mashup from a guy named MC ScottD. I copped the Jay Z construction set when everyone was all hot about it, just to check it out. I wasn't quite at the point of having free time to heat up the studio I don't have in the first place, but the construction set was appealing because it had 5-6 other remixes of the Black album. For the record I wasn't so on the Black album, the fact that it's one of the major hip hop albums of last year prolly had something to do with it.
Anyway, I was just interested to see what some other people had done with the beats. So I'm checking it out and this one album mashup from this Scott D guy is the fire! The guy took all kinds of samples from everywhere and put em behind Hova's accapellas. From Bjork's "So Quiet" to Beenie Man's "Bookshelf"...this, IMHO (disclaimed always, I can't be responsible for my own opinion, cummon)...this mashup is one of the more ingenious things I've heard in a while. I did some poking around on the interwob and found out that this guy is some college kid @ U Dub in Seattle and did the whole remix on some outdate copy of Acid Pro...which, for those non-software nerds in the audience is a pretty assed-out software considering some of the options illegally available on the interwob. I mean the remixes aren't really something you'd rock in the club, it take on more of an old school soul feel, but the point of the construction set project was to see just how ingenious people could get with it.
I realized that this album may be sorta hard to get your hands on given the fact that I got it from downloading the whole construction set and it would be something that lived completely on the underbelly of the internet. So, I figured I'd put the tracks up here for a couple of days so you guys could hear it. The Dirt Off Your Shoulder remix is the current fav, backed with the aforementioned Beenie Man track, the subs are a little blown out but it holds that hot Jamaican dancehall feel of some smoked out rasta toting around old-ass subs just to rock the party.
Anyway, check it out, it'll prolly be gone by Monday or so...have a good weekend. If you're hot for more after checking out those bits, MC Scott D has a page with different bits on it...some are really hot.
mcscottd-1-intro.mp3
mcscottd-2-december 4th (pushaman mix).mp3
mcscottd-3-what more can i say (correct mix).mp3
mcscottd-4-encore (soul power remix).mp3
mcscottd-5-dirt off your shoulder (deported remix).mp3
mcscottd-6-threat (in the company of issac mix).mp3
mcscottd-7-moment of clarity (introverted remix).mp3
mcscottd-8-my name is hov ( sittin on top of the world remix).mp3
>mcscottd-9-allure (sihnged remix).mp3
You thought it was over? Not until Playboy's had their shot at the action.
..and people say Schwarzenegger isn't making a difference.
Really nice stuff on leviated.net, it could keep me entertained for hours....but I'm rill busy w/work seen?? (link via Wiley Wiggins)
Also, here's a link to a tight Dub/Roots set...I'll post the tracklist in the extended comments if'n your interested...it features Upsetters & Max Romeo – Chase The Devil, which was sampled by Prodigy a few yrs ago and since then seems to be popping up in every dance music genre as the great dub ripoff revival continues (via DJ M)
yao...Darren, the dnb set you're looking for is here.
BTW, I have 2 Gmail invites, if anyone wants an acct...not like most of the free world doesn't have an acct, but whatever....email colin (at) comecorrect (dot) net... (gone)
Spex's Reggae Selection 31st August 2004 Phonic Live
Prince Far I – Jah Do That
Prince Far I – Dub Do that
Burning Spear – Old Marcus Garvey
Burning Spear – Father East Of Jack (aka Old Marcus Garvey dub)
Aswad – Moswan Skank
Aswad Dennis Brown Promised Land
Damien Marley – More Justice
Luciano – Warmongers
Luckie D – Unity
Kirk Davis – Life
John Junior – whats Going On?
Upsetters & Max Romeo – Chase The Devil
Upsetters – Croaking Lizard – Super Ape Album
Determine – War Munga
Sugar Minott – Easy Mr Bush
Luciano – All Over The World
Yami Bolo – Humanity
Bob Marley & The Wailers – We and Dem
Wailers – One Love
Wailers – Simmer Down
San Francisco,
I love your shit. There’re so many things that make me want to live here and pay astronomical rent that makes people in other states question my sanity. I love that this is where so many gay couples got married. I love that this is where so much amazing music comes right to our front door, most recent and notable the unabashed funk reaming I received from Prince last night (Holy fuck!! When you’re in the fourth row, The Man sweats on you. No, it’s not gross, it smells like incense and virgins). I love that the weather keeps fair weather fools away and that I can get a good burrito just about anywhere.
But goddamn, your MUNI etiquette sucks donkey. Taking MUNI to work is another, well, joy would be a strong word, but at least I don’t have to drive my lazy ass to work and pay for parking, let’s leave it at that. And I know it’s early, you tunnel-vision putzes, but you pull this shit in the evening too. OK, you also might have just had a long day, I’ll cut you some slack there too. And Jerome the Underpants Gnome doesn’t consider himself an A-type person, nor does he normally talk about himself in the third person. Now, mind you, some of my friends might disagree, especially after 5 days on the playa (which was skipped this year in lieu of the wave pool at the Mandalay Bay, which I can’t recommend enough), but I think I’m a pretty reasonable guy. Ok, I’m a jerk most days.
With that said, here’s a couple things I’d like you all to keep in mind after you’ve alighted on one of our fair city’s nasty ass, Hep-B-riddled buses:
1. Take your fucking packpack off!! Have you ever noticed that you’re deeper than you are wide with that shit? When someone is clearly trying to get past you, and you’re too lazy to move down on the bus so more people can get on this bus and not have to wait for the next one and which might not come for another 10 minutes and stand around bitching like you just were 4 minutes prior, take your stupid, moster-sized, full-of-dead-body-parts and Dave Eggers (not that I’m dissing Dave Egger, I’m just not smart enough to get his books) pack off so there’s room for this smelly person to get by. And stop fucking jabbing me with your computer bag every time the train lurches. Get a handle on that thing, I need those (I’m talking about my balls if you couldn’t tell, I’m 6’4” and your sexy new Coach bag gets me right in the boo-boo). Moving on...
2. Get your money out before you get on the bus. You know how much it costs. It’s $1.25 in case you don’t (which my brother doesn’t. Smooches, guy, you’re the breast). This is step one of Riding the MUNI. It’s gonna happen every time you climb the golden stairs onto that bus, get used to it.
3. Move down! Just because you’re rocking out to the Crue’s Decade of Decadance (which really SHOULD have the studio version of Kickstart My Heart, the live one just doesn’t move me like it oughtta, at least I can fall back on Home Sweet Home) doesn’t mean that you can stare blankly out the window and not realize that there’s other people trying to get on.
4. Then the converse of that: If the train is full like yo momma after Bucca di Beppo, wait for the next one, don’t come cramming your ass in all up on me, aight? There’s always another train.
5. Getting off. No not like that but I like the way you think. Lots of people have to squeeze their Wranglers back off this train too. I saw this one this morning. There’s a guy who stood out of the way so that the people to his right could get off, perfectly polite maneuver, only the woman behind him, who couldn’t stop thinking about that first cruller at the office, literally shoved him aside so that she could get out. Now I’m guessing that he was going to let those people go and then step aside for her. I’ll tell ya, lady, if you’re out there, and I think you are, you do that to the UG and he’s gonna knock you on your ass, chivalry or not. That’s just plain rude. You’re making me feel like you’re Bush and I’m the Kyoto Protocol. OH!!! Political ZINGER!!!!! This early? You betcher ass.
6. This one I’m just going to include here because I think it’s funny human behavior. It always makes me laugh when the train has stopped and either someone is getting off or moving to let someone pass (good man!), and they won’t let go of the rail. You’re not going to fall on your ass, no matter how many time you have because of a driver with heavy brake shoes (yes, I know you don’t actually wear brake shoes but it works here, lay off, MAB). It’s ok. You can let go for the next 30 seconds.
7. Your seat. Returning to chivalry, and I’m shooting my dating life in the foot here but luckily I have a girlfriend and she doesn’t read this site, I think it’s ok to not give up your seat to just any woman. I suppose if you want to go that route, and I’m guessing Rok does, you can give that cutie a place to rest her bootie. On the whole, I’m just as tired as you are ladies and I ain’t saying I never do it but not as a rule. But I will say this, if you’re in the front seats and ANYONE with the tiniest touch of grey gets on, you better be outta that seat like Saddam out of his spider hole (My name is Colin and I wish to negotiate!!!!). That’s just unforgivable. I see young guys sitting there passive all the time and that’s just weak.
8. Crazy Bastards. Finally, I’m giving every crazy dude who rides the Haight St buses a little recognition here. You guys alternately piss me off and amuse me to no end. Ya’ll talk a mean streak o’ crazy and god bless ya for it, but for the love of god, temper the volume and just get off the bus when you’re getting off. You smell. And I want to get home to watch the Daily Show. Tom Cruise is on tonight.
San Francisco, I’m in love with you. I want to spoon you every night of the week and I won’t roll over and give you The Butt. I want to share the last of my Skittles with you. I want to drink Patron with you and yell at tourists. But you gotta start being cool on MUNI.
This is what happens when I get drunk on the way to work. Which I encourage you all to do on MUNI. Makes the swerving easier to take.
...so I'm slowly finding out half my managers think it's totally acceptable to use the word "jiggy" as a verb...
Jeffro!!!!
Please, don't delay; get your Hurricane Francis crap memorabilia before it's completely worthless!!!! Never underestimate a huckster to make a quick buck off of, well, anything. (I would have like to seen what these guys would have pulled out had the whole Heaven's Gate thing happened more in the era of eBay....think commemorative apple sauce jars.) Some bastard is even selling a shingle from his house...I mean, forgive my rudeness, but shouldn't you be fighting on the phone with some disenfranchised chain-smoking FEMA representative instead of trying to hock a shingle off of your house? Man, I try, really I do, but I just don't get Florida..like in general....and coming from a guy who grew up 4 blocks from Arkansas, that's saying a lot...
Apartment is some linguistic-spatial experiment created by Wattenberg & Walczak (the ghuys I wrote about yesterday...Yes, I meant to write "ghuys".) Anyway, I have to admit, I don't completely understand the point of it, but that's really nothing new. I will admit, however, that it involves graphical interfaces, organizing words with algorithms and supernatural floating text...all of which begin to sort of corner the market on all the nerdy fetishes I possess. It's not too much of a surprise to me that I came upon the link via Liz's LJ. The self-proclaimed tech-geek-goddess strikes again. (OMG ThNX 2U L1z!!1!)
These two guys Wattenberg & Walczak have done some of really interesting visual design work relating to pretty commonplace things. Last year for a show at the Institute for Contemporary Arts in London. Among the different exhibits, they had visual illustrations of music as well as interpretations of the way moves are mapped out in a chess game. Their current projects also include some work in interactive architecture.
(Note, this was on BoingBoing last week, but I held off writing about it b/c the site was just getting throttled and it would have been pointless.)
This wins it hands down...pass the tacos pls. (via JWZ)
here....and I swear to try not to mention BM for another 300 or so days...
I am not into shameless self promotion. In fact I abhor it. But… I owe Colin a bio. And I’m gonna cough one up. No worries, mate. But i'm not going to do it now. So in lieu of a bio I thought I might subtly drop the following:
CMT (yeah, I’m talkin bout Country Music Television. (It’s a tv station (On cable (Trust me, it’s there, you’ve just never watched it before)))) has a long-running series called “The Greatest” in which each episode has a different subject (eg: “The Greatest Country Music Myths”, “The Greatest Drinking Songs”, “The Greatest Roadkill Recipes”, etc.). This week’s episode is “The World’s Greatest Tour Buses” and the bus I designed and live on is one of the featured buses.
Yes, I live on a bus. And yes, my mom is proud. We were a family of low expectations. [This is where you ask, “So how’s that workin out for ya?” and I just start whimpering.]
So there’s the segment in the show about the John Lennon Educational Tour Bus about halfway through the hour. That’s me in the straw hat which I was wearing for reasons entirely unrelated to the CMT show being filmed that day and was something I felt really good about until the coincidence was pointed out to me and my desperate struggle to be different horribly backfired. And yeah they spelled my name wrong. But at least they didn’t make me look like a total ass. We filmed for 10 hours that day and it was edited down to about 3 minutes. That means that I didn’t look like an ass for .005% of the day and they did me the favor of only using the good stuff. They were lucky I was having a good day. Here’s the show schedule, like you even care at this point:
Saturday, 9/4
2:30 pm EST & PST
1:30 pm CST
Monday, 9/6
5:00 pm EST & PST
4:00 pm CST
Tuesday, 9/7
1:00 am EST & PST
midnight CST
Wednesday, 9/8
7:00 pm & 10:00 pm EST & PST
6:00 pm & 9:00 pm CST
So try to catch it if you can. And if you don’t have cable then find some Nice Guy to TIVO it for you.
5. Cafe Latte
4. Jalepeno
3. Dr. Pepper®
2. Peanut Butter
1. Buttered Popcorn
(Honorable mention goes to chocolate pudding. full list here)
There's no better barometer of whether it's a nice day in San Francisco than to see how packed Zeitgeist's beer garden is ("garden" is used very loosely here). Zeitgeist, simply put, has become an essential SF institution. Don't get me wrong: it's not for everyone. You'll never find one of those drinking trollies full of drunk Abercrombie & Fitch-wearin' ex-fraternity and sorority revelers stop at Zeitgeist -- not if they know what's good for them. Zeitgeist is punk, it's gritty, and it's real in a way that doesn't require being a tatooed bike messenger, it's core constituency, to understand or appreciate.
It's the place to go if you want one of the City's best Bloody Marys (they really need to start serving those in pitchers). It's the place to go to get one of the City's best hamburger/potatoes combos, and for the very reasonable price of $5. It's the place to go for crackheads with no other place to go on Saturday afternoon after the Endup pulls the plug. It's the place to go for tokers to toke without fear. It's the place to go to smoke too many cigarettes while consuming too many pints of beer while revealing too much about your personal life. It's the place to go to experience one the most diverse (in terms of lifestyle more than ethnicity) drinking congregations you'll find in San Francisco. It's the official shrine to San Francisco's one and only Tamale Lady -- enough said.
Be there or be sober.
Ps. Still, I'd be scared to stay at that "guest haus" upstairs. That might be a little too fucking real for me.
why I should never go into a mall: This afternoon I ran into the local mall to buy a belt (hey, when your pants keep sliding down to your knees at inopportune times you gotta sacrifice some ethics). I bring my iPod with me on excursions like this cause it’s a pretty effective Babylon insulator (yeah I just referred to the iPod as relief from, not a symptom of Babylon and you better believe if he was still around Bob would be rockin out in his new BMW with the iPod built into the dash except he’d be callin it his “I and iPod” or at least the “Jah RastafariPod”. (Yeah, I know, the ghost of Marcus Garvey is gonna haunt my ass like Beetlejuice on brown acid). I turned my iPod off for a minute while paying at the counter and the bubble of my new favorite hip-hop group faded from the stark white earphones to reveal… a house remix of the White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army” oozing from the speakers in the ceiling. Come on now people, Jack White went to all the trouble of printing right on the back of the CD jacket “No computers were used at any point in the making of this album”. Couldn’t ya’ll just point your goddamn casio keyboards elsewhere and remix something else? But don’t touch Bob either or I’ll sick Paul Mooney on your ass.
Things are definitely stirring around here. The change is everywhere but perhaps it’s most obvious in the hardware and grocery stores. In the supermarket we find coolers and tupperware are nowhere to be found, clerks laugh if you dare ask where the bottled water is, the soup aisles are bare, the condom shelves are barren and god help the alcoholics who lack foresight – you’d be lucky to find a busted case of 5-year old Milwaukee’s Best at this point.
Home Depot is sold out of flashlights, lanterns, kerosene, tea lights and matches. Tarps, rope and plywood are long gone. Duct tape -- are you kidding? Early this week a man on the loading dock was selling generators like McDonald’s French fries, yesterday there were people camped in front of the doors at 5am hoping to buy whatever gennies were left and today every store in town is sold out. But even the lucky few who got gennies may find themselves SOL as a rash of “Sold Out” signs is appearing on gas pumps all over the city.
Is this San Francisco in the midst of the Burningman last minute supply-buy insanity? Nope, I’m on the northeast side of Orlando, FL where it is presently T-minus 62 hours til Hurricane Frances hits the coast and rolls straight over us with her 140 MPH sustained winds. When I was growing up in Missouri tornados in the Spring were a fascinating event, a seasonal occurrence (like the bone chilling fog of a San Francisco summer or the 150% humidity and flood of hot ass-sweat in Amnesia the first Friday of every month). But even big tornados are only 5 miles wide. The EYE of Hurricane Frances is 35 miles wide; Frances herself is reportedly over 300 miles wide at the hips. She’s a big girl and she’s all about the action. She must have seen the Florida peninsula poking the belly of the Atlantic like an eighth-grade boy during his 1st slow-dance from hundreds of miles out and thought it must be the only wang big enough to satisfy a feisty woman whose been out at sea for far too long.
The destruction a hurricane of this force causes is undeniably terrible, but I’ve always wanted to be in the middle of one with my fist in the air like a roller-coaster junkie and I finally have the chance.
They say that maybe the most dangerous thing about Frances is that Hurricane Charley hit here two weeks ago and there is still tons (thousands of tons, actually) of debris lying around. Local crews have set-up three debris collection landfills in the Orlando area where fleets of dump trucks are working around the clock to deposit pieces of houses, BBQ grills, shotgun racks, empty kegs (a set make a great dining table), bird-baths, and daisy-duke shorts lifted from finer homes all over Florida by Charley. The plan is to get as much debris into these sites as possible and then evacuate a 5-mile radius around them. I guess the last thing you want is to have your cherished Chevy pickup blown away one week only to have it dropped on your double-wide mobile home two weeks later.
The weatherman I’m watching right now is noticeably pissed at Frances. In the middle of his report he’s shaking his fist at the radar map and saying, “We do not need this storm right now. We do not need this in our backyards,” like he’s some kind of balding Julia Butterfly Hill protesting deforestation in a bad suit.
Makes me realize that I don’t think I’ve ever seen a genuine emotion from a tv newscaster before, let alone a weatherman.
The other item of note on the news here was a press conference with governor Jeb Bush who said that all Floridians are deeply affected by these horrible disasters and he personally will not rest until Florida has successfully invaded and colonized some oil-rich middle-eastern country to insure these attacks against peace loving Americans cease.
Damn, I gotta sell that one to Jon Stewart.
When I was in college my friend CL wrote this amazing short-story called The Hurricane Party about a group of eclectic and emotionally skewed people who ignore the calls to evacuate to instead face their mortality in a beach-front house as a storm approaches. The story also featured a page-gripping scene involving a herd of very aggressive deer. I haven’t gone door-to-door with the invitations yet, but that’s my plan for my fellow Marriott guests (the party, not the deer attack). Who has the patience to wait for a holistic apocalypse? I like the idea of having your own personal “End of the World Party” and what better catalyst than a hurricane? I, thankfully, do have foresight and very nice bar supplies stashed away. If enough of the action happens before nightfall I should be able to get some decent video. Of course I’m taking every precaution to avoid injury and/or death: tomorrow I’m going over to Sports Authority to buy a bike helmet. My real hope is that the eye will pass right over us and I’ll be able to get up to the roof of the hotel with a camera. If everything goes well I should have some pics to post next week.
If not, dress sexy at my funeral.
The site in question, cockeyed.com, where I have spent the better part of an hour I might add, appears to be done by a fairly inquisitive guy with some fun friends...you can follow along as they go to great lengths to document “How Much is Inside”, different pranks they’ve pulled, the science they’ve experiments done for fun, definitive documentation of some pretty incredible creations, or quirky food from around the world with obscene names...
Zaniness @ its finest...you could deadpan about how there’s better way to spend time, or why they even bothered to document these things on the web...it looks like these guys live in Sacramento, which would explain a lot of free time...anyway, I was impressed with how ingenious some of the ideas were...like how far they went to measure how much lipstick comes in a tube…Sites like this, to me, are a find mostly b/c they flash a little real human interest without too much pandering (which I’m probably pretty guilty of myself)...sites that you could spend hours on, entertained, and they don’t mind one way or another...mostly b/c they’re too busy trying to make shaving cream bombs…or measuring how much gold actually comes in the bottle of Goldschlager.
...they've even done an great expose on pyramid schemes
...this post should have been up HOURS ago, but I can't quit reading all this quirky stuff on this site...
oh yah...don't miss the bit where the enter the contest for the Trailblazer...Lazlo Honeycut Lazlo Hollyfield lives!!!!
