Open Letter to MUNI Riders

San Francisco,

I love your shit. There’re so many things that make me want to live here and pay astronomical rent that makes people in other states question my sanity. I love that this is where so many gay couples got married. I love that this is where so much amazing music comes right to our front door, most recent and notable the unabashed funk reaming I received from Prince last night (Holy fuck!! When you’re in the fourth row, The Man sweats on you. No, it’s not gross, it smells like incense and virgins). I love that the weather keeps fair weather fools away and that I can get a good burrito just about anywhere.

But goddamn, your MUNI etiquette sucks donkey. Taking MUNI to work is another, well, joy would be a strong word, but at least I don’t have to drive my lazy ass to work and pay for parking, let’s leave it at that. And I know it’s early, you tunnel-vision putzes, but you pull this shit in the evening too. OK, you also might have just had a long day, I’ll cut you some slack there too. And Jerome the Underpants Gnome doesn’t consider himself an A-type person, nor does he normally talk about himself in the third person. Now, mind you, some of my friends might disagree, especially after 5 days on the playa (which was skipped this year in lieu of the wave pool at the Mandalay Bay, which I can’t recommend enough), but I think I’m a pretty reasonable guy. Ok, I’m a jerk most days.

With that said, here’s a couple things I’d like you all to keep in mind after you’ve alighted on one of our fair city’s nasty ass, Hep-B-riddled buses:

1. Take your fucking packpack off!! Have you ever noticed that you’re deeper than you are wide with that shit? When someone is clearly trying to get past you, and you’re too lazy to move down on the bus so more people can get on this bus and not have to wait for the next one and which might not come for another 10 minutes and stand around bitching like you just were 4 minutes prior, take your stupid, moster-sized, full-of-dead-body-parts and Dave Eggers (not that I’m dissing Dave Egger, I’m just not smart enough to get his books) pack off so there’s room for this smelly person to get by. And stop fucking jabbing me with your computer bag every time the train lurches. Get a handle on that thing, I need those (I’m talking about my balls if you couldn’t tell, I’m 6’4” and your sexy new Coach bag gets me right in the boo-boo). Moving on...

2. Get your money out before you get on the bus. You know how much it costs. It’s $1.25 in case you don’t (which my brother doesn’t. Smooches, guy, you’re the breast). This is step one of Riding the MUNI. It’s gonna happen every time you climb the golden stairs onto that bus, get used to it.

3. Move down! Just because you’re rocking out to the Crue’s Decade of Decadance (which really SHOULD have the studio version of Kickstart My Heart, the live one just doesn’t move me like it oughtta, at least I can fall back on Home Sweet Home) doesn’t mean that you can stare blankly out the window and not realize that there’s other people trying to get on.

4. Then the converse of that: If the train is full like yo momma after Bucca di Beppo, wait for the next one, don’t come cramming your ass in all up on me, aight? There’s always another train.

5. Getting off. No not like that but I like the way you think. Lots of people have to squeeze their Wranglers back off this train too. I saw this one this morning. There’s a guy who stood out of the way so that the people to his right could get off, perfectly polite maneuver, only the woman behind him, who couldn’t stop thinking about that first cruller at the office, literally shoved him aside so that she could get out. Now I’m guessing that he was going to let those people go and then step aside for her. I’ll tell ya, lady, if you’re out there, and I think you are, you do that to the UG and he’s gonna knock you on your ass, chivalry or not. That’s just plain rude. You’re making me feel like you’re Bush and I’m the Kyoto Protocol. OH!!! Political ZINGER!!!!! This early? You betcher ass.

6. This one I’m just going to include here because I think it’s funny human behavior. It always makes me laugh when the train has stopped and either someone is getting off or moving to let someone pass (good man!), and they won’t let go of the rail. You’re not going to fall on your ass, no matter how many time you have because of a driver with heavy brake shoes (yes, I know you don’t actually wear brake shoes but it works here, lay off, MAB). It’s ok. You can let go for the next 30 seconds.

7. Your seat. Returning to chivalry, and I’m shooting my dating life in the foot here but luckily I have a girlfriend and she doesn’t read this site, I think it’s ok to not give up your seat to just any woman. I suppose if you want to go that route, and I’m guessing Rok does, you can give that cutie a place to rest her bootie. On the whole, I’m just as tired as you are ladies and I ain’t saying I never do it but not as a rule. But I will say this, if you’re in the front seats and ANYONE with the tiniest touch of grey gets on, you better be outta that seat like Saddam out of his spider hole (My name is Colin and I wish to negotiate!!!!). That’s just unforgivable. I see young guys sitting there passive all the time and that’s just weak.

8. Crazy Bastards. Finally, I’m giving every crazy dude who rides the Haight St buses a little recognition here. You guys alternately piss me off and amuse me to no end. Ya’ll talk a mean streak o’ crazy and god bless ya for it, but for the love of god, temper the volume and just get off the bus when you’re getting off. You smell. And I want to get home to watch the Daily Show. Tom Cruise is on tonight.

San Francisco, I’m in love with you. I want to spoon you every night of the week and I won’t roll over and give you The Butt. I want to share the last of my Skittles with you. I want to drink Patron with you and yell at tourists. But you gotta start being cool on MUNI.

This is what happens when I get drunk on the way to work. Which I encourage you all to do on MUNI. Makes the swerving easier to take.

Posted by Jerome at September 10, 2004 12:35 PM